Thursday, September 16, 2010

So, where's Ashton?

You know those times when you feel as though you're being attacked from all fronts?  Yeah, the past 48 hours 4 weeks 4 months 4 years (ok, so it's more like 6 years...but, who's really counting?!?) have blown hard.  Sorry.  Well, no, I'm not going to apologize.  This sucks and I won't apologize for saying so...

The Mister and I met with the cancer genetics doc at my Oncology practice yesterday.  Not only were they able to almost (we're waiting for one last DNA test to come back) conclusively confirm that I do, in fact, have Lynch Syndrome but, they also informed us that my sweet girl  most likely inherited the gene as well.  The most basic thing I gave my children is fatally flawed...and could have already killed one of them.  Not to worry though...the doctor says I shouldn't feel guilty.  uuuuummmmmmm, ok.  I'll go ahead and do long as you can prescribe cookies to cure cancer.  mmmmmmmmm-kay?  *grunt*  In even better boys each have an independent 50/50 chance of inheriting this messed up DNA as well.  EXCELLENT news.  Right?!?   I'ma go ahead and just say it now.  Watch out...Incoooooooming.  What. The. Fuck?  Yep.  There's my attitude right now.  Aint she a beaut?

In for real life I'm doing the same as I was before this bombshell was dropped.  I have two boys who need me to be stable for them.  They have been through HELL already and I absolutely refuse to contribute to their pain any more than I can help.  I will say right now that if you see me smiling, laughing, loving, living, hoping right has absolutely nothing to do with my strength or courage and absolutely everything to do with my undying love for my children (all three of them) and The Mister.  It is because of them that I am functioning.  PERIOD.  My love for them gives me no choice but to get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  End of story.  Please don't tell me you couldn't do this, or tell me how strong I am.  I'm not.  I'm DONE.  I'm just a mom and wife who loves her family wildly.  That is all.

As if all of this isn't husband is lying in a hospital bed tonight.  He had surgery today to fuse   his L4 and L5 and a discectomy.  He should be coming home tomorrow.  I can't even begin to explain to you how terrible it was for me to see my rock lying in a hospital bed trying to be strong and unafraid for me.  I never, ever want to be there again...I will be if need be...but, I truly hope it never comes to that.

In other fun news I did find some studies that showed that Lynch related cancers are resistant to the EXACT (and specifically the main drug) regimen I just started.  Ugh.  So, I may be putting in a call tomorrow...not so sure I'll even be continuing that therapy.  I have some research and thinking to do.  I will not put myself through six months to a year of that for NOTHING.  No way, no how.

So...basically, I say all of that to say...Don't ask me how I'm doing right now.  Mmmmmm-kay?  Thanks.

PS.  We MIGHT talk straight about Lynch Syndrome at a later date.  For now, I'll just say that The Mister, who is super even keeled (no nautical pun intended) and deals only in reality and never borrows worry...looked like he might pass out or vomit...or both in the doctor's office when she was explaining what the next several years...and rest of my life are/could look like.  Super *ugh*.


  1. This sucks. There is nothing else to say, other than some expletives that I will leave out, but this SUCKS!!! I hate this for you.

  2. This is unthinkable. I'm so glad your kids are so amazing that they give you such determination to live and love and laugh and hope. Your honesty is refreshing (as always). Don't stop sharing.

  3. Angela..

    I just can't believe what I have read. Know that I am praying so very hard for all in your family. My goodness...Your family has been through so very much. The challenges all of you have faced seems just unbearable. Again..Know that I will be praying daily for all of you. How is your Mom doing? My goodness girl...
    I still have the children's picture framed in my home office.. every time I glance up at it..I smiey at Hadley!
    Big Hugs to all of you!

  4. Super Sucky. Totally unfair and all around crappy. I hate that you guys have to deal with this...

  5. Sometimes we don't cope and go on because we are strong, but because it's the only thing we can do that makes sense.

    That said, don't feel guilty. Just continue to live the way you have been, trying to make the most of it, because none of us are guaranteed a long, healthy life, weird genetic quirks or not.

  6. Ok, first thing first... You have no responsibility for ANYTHING of what Hadley went through!!! Second, You don't have to be brave, strong, super woman (except you should wear a cape!) or the happy lady that whistles Zippidy Do Dah our her ass all the time! You are doing the best you can today, tomorrow you will be the best you can that day, and so on. You know this Angela, same game, different player! One day at a time kiddo!!! Oh and By The Way, YOU ARE STILL MY HERO (so there :P ) you helped me get thru my own personal hell and I think that you have more than earned a few "F" bombs here and there! I love ya girl.

  7. Angela. I am so incredibly sorry. I am angry, hurt and upset fro you and your family. And, I know this won't mean much right now...but, I have always followed your family's story and you have made me look at life, love, family, strength,a dn most importantly, my God, in new ways. You have challenged me to serve Him wholeheartedly, even when life dishes out the shittiest circumstances any one person could take. That is no consolation for what you are dealing with, i know, but its the truth. Thank you for being you. I wish I would have the forune to meet you someday. I will continue to pray and believe for healing in your life and for your family.
    Sarah aka sbh from CC.

  8. Nothing I can put into words will help, so I will just send all my thoughts and prayers your way.

  9. I was a long-time reader of your blog throughout Hadley's life, and now your family continues to be in my thoughts. All of you.

  10. what?!? ange, i had no idea. kristy just told me about an hour ago. i'm so sorry. that sucks. i love you. you'll be in all of our prayers.

  11. What?
    Sometimes I scream at God. I tell him He's an idiot and has no idea what He's doing. Like now. Damn. Mama Fox, I wish I had some idea of what to even say. Just know I care. And cry.

  12. hey.
    I don't know how I missed this one, saw allusions to it...but 9/16 I was still pretty actively twitching.
    I don't actually know. Nobody can say that they do. But my beautiful girls, the kids here who actually LIKE mom (sigh) have brain tumors because of f-d up genes...that affect what treatments work and don't...that have a 50percent chance of getting passed on...
    So now I'm crying and crying for you, because in some vaguely, eternally parallel universe to your sweet Hadley, I do know. Except that here, I can only be the one to feel sick when I wonder about their future & my spouse's.

    Does that even make sense?

    I wish I could just come and give you a hug or some cake or fed ex you some Swedish fish or something, but if I was there I would likely be a blithering idiot and then you'd be like "geez, do I really even want to touch those Swedish fish? with all that crying the girl NEEDS a tissue and a gallon of Purell"...and then...

    ok, never mind. But know that you are always in my heart. Always.

    Kristin, aka Blithering Idiot of the East