Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Well howdy.

So, I've been awful about keeping up with this blog.  I had every intention of being faithful to logging my chemo journey.  I had really hoped other folks out there would find it useful.  The reality of the situation, though, is that I have a family and friends who all love me.  When I'm not feeling awful I am either spending time with them or trying my best to care for them.  Caring for people makes me happy, gives me purpose.  I need purpose right now.  I need to feel needed.

I've struggled a lot over the last few months with my own mortality.  Not so much with my own issues with it...but, with the fact that I have a husband and two young boys.  I worry.  It's a part of who I am.  I consider my worrying both a strength and a weakness.  A double edged sword at times.  It is what it is, I suppose.  These men of mine have been through so much.  Too much.  Another double edged sword.  Because they are amazing people their experiences and journeys have helped make them the amazing people they are.  Their grief and heartache and challenges haven't crippled them or stolen from the character.  They have used every chapter of their story as a growing and learning experience.  My boys are tough, but sweet...compassionate.  I am proud of them.  I have watched my husband's heart grow kinder.  He has become an even better father and husband.  I HAVE to trust that this would be the case if I were to die as well.  I have to believe that they wouldn't fall apart, that they would live, be happy, love, grow...thrive.  Getting to this place, where I trust that, though, has been hard.  Quite dark.  Filled with lots of what if's and tears and pain.

Most people would probably find that morbid.  Because I am who I am, and because of my story, I can't be that girl who says "I'm going to be fine.  There's no other option."  I really wish I could be, sometimes.  I can't.  I have to acknowledge the 'other' option...make peace with it and then move forward.  It's just my process.  So, yeah.  Morbid?  Maybe.  It is me though.

I've felt pretty well this week.  Last week was hard.  I felt pretty cruddy through the entire week.  I have some swollen nodes in my neck and jaw that are...troubling.  My oncologist checked them out last week and is gonna check them again on Monday.  He wants scans if there's no improvement.  I sense scans in my near future.  (did you hear that sigh and eye roll?)

Overall, though, life has been good.  I feel good this week, the sun has been out, my boys are doing well, the mister and I are about to celebrate 11 years of wedded...ness, I kid, I kid.  Eleven years of wedded bliss.  Plus, only two more treatments left on FOLFOX6.  Ten down, two to go!  YEEEESSSS!    (now do you hear the angels singing?  I do.)

In other news, we have until February 25th to get everyone registered for the Shamrock Run!  I'll post the team number as soon as I have it.  Those of you in Portland who are interested in running or walking with Hadley's Heroes please register with our team!!!  :)

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